Our Big Screen Dreams

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about salvation. Like, when was my salvation experience? When was yours?

You would think such an experience would never leave your mind, that you’d always knew right where/when it occurred….or at least that’s what I thought last week. If you would have asked me then I would have said, “I was saved when I was 5. I was in the car, told my mom i was ready to turn my life over to Jesus. I was taken to the Pastor to see if I really knew what I was talking about….which they said I did. Then, I was baptized.”

But, the more I study out salvation, the more I realize that that may not have been my real conversion. I was asking my Pastor a few weeks ago about how I’ll know when Kai is saved. You see, for months he’s been saying that Jesus lives in him and that he asks God to live in him daily, etc… So, according to MY salvation experience and what I was brought up in, means he is saved. But see, I know he doesn’t have true heart repentance. I know he knows he did wrong, I also know that he is sorry, but is that truly realizing our sinful nature and that Jesus DIED to save us from that sin??   One of the biggest signs of true conversion is a change of life/lifestyle. You turn from sin and follow the ways of the Lord. YOU CHANGE, you begin to live on fire for God. Jesus becomes LORD of your life not you (whole other blog to come on that!).

When I started reflecting on this, repeatedly a certain event in my life kept coming to mind. I was 20 years old. May 2000. School had just let out and I was going into summer, ready to read something new. Months after my mom telling me to read it, I finally caved and started to read “Left Behind.” I remember where I was, on my couch in my apartment off Hulen. I was suddenly so convicted of my ugliness and sin that I fell to the floor crying out to God. Literally CRYING out to Him in sobs. I knew the Bible, heck I grew up in Church, I was a good person, but BAM – SIN was all that rushed to my head. I knew I had to change. I KNEW! I prayed out to God like I had never talked to him before asking for forgiveness and asking him to lead me.

I changed that day. I broke up with the guy I was dating because I realized the wrong nature of the relationship, I quit drinking, I quit swearing, I moved home. I spent the next few summer months studying the Word of God. I was so consumed that I had to tell myself to stop studying the Word to go outside, to go be social, to leave my room at my parents house. I have notebooks and notebooks from that period of time…I was so hungry. I couldn’t get enough. I also couldn’t shut up about God. I’ll never forget when the guy I broke up with called me from the radio station he worked for ON AIR on a very popular morning show and I publicly professed without one ounce of embarrassment my love for Jesus and yes the sinner girl they knew two weeks prior was GONE! I’ll never forget the silence that followed or the emails I received. All of that came natural. All of it from the heart, not religious….from my heart.

I can’t help but think that THAT was my conversion.

My husband maintains that his was gradual. That he always knew he was saved from a young age, but like me in college, he had real revelation…but with out having really ever strayed from the Word. The main difference in Chad and I is *I* was bad. Chad never strayed from the Word. I strayed often growing up. I didn’t want God in my life, I didn’t want to live by those rules, that Bible was so ‘old school” and not for MY generation. (sound familiar?)

In fact, I backslid more after my true conversion experience (the one I just mentioned). What? Yup. Guess I better go on….it would be wrong to leave it at that because most people know me from my most backslidden state (ugh).

So after that summer of feeding only of God, I had to go back to school full-time. I had transferred to a new school. I started going to a church out there, the Baptist Student Ministry and started getting mixed in with a few that wanted to play on both sides of the fence. Strong believers….big partiers. I stuck a toe out and started flirting with the other side. I was feeding my flesh and spirit at the same time. They warred against each other. But, when all is said and done, *you* make the final choice….and I chose my flesh. Satan took a hold of that and WHAM I was gone. I trekked further away from my Savior than I would ever care to admit…..but its so vital that I do admit it (heck, I’m accountable for it!). I remember the unrest in my heart. I knew knew knew how wrong I was being, but I could not stop the train….it was going to fast. I clearly remember knowing always what was missing but not wanting to go back to “being good.” Honestly. It was always in the back of my head.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard someone talking about my husband. I was at a bar getting drunk. Someone asked someone else about him and the quote was, “he’s probably home with his head stuck in his Bible.” I will never forget the immediate guilt. I thought, “What an honor that they are talking about him like that.” It was about 5 months later when I actually met him. My first words to my husband, “where is the bar, I need a drink.” He always tells people how shocked he was when he found out I knew the Lord and even more so that I knew a christian rock station existed. Ha. But let me tell you, 4 days after meeting I walked back into church….what is STILL my church…and turned away and haven’t looked back.

Sure, I’ve had struggles…maybe started flirting with the other side a bit, dry spells, but always pulled back in. You know, come to think of it, I pull away the most when I’m not in the Word myself. I can do it in church or bible study, but if I’m not in there reading it for myself I drift away. When I quit praying, I start to dry up. Reminder: Stay in the Word and talking to God at all times.

Wow….I’ve really just gone on and on….whoops. But if you are reading and are so inclined to share your salvation testimony…I’d love to hear it.