breaking point

During every film we shoot, there comes a point where I break down. Usually, this point hits about 1 week before the shooting ends and aprox. 2 weeks until EP is scheduled to be home.

Breaking point is the point when I feel “done.” It’s the point where I once again realize I can’t do this alone. And I know I’m not “alone” because of my relationship with Christ. I get that. I’m talking about alone like I’m the only adult present in this house.

The days are long and busy and you don’t really realize it then. Besides, if your husband was working you wouldn’t see him anyway. It hits when I’m trying to make dinner and the baby is crawling at my feet and my preschooler is begging for me to fix something. It hits when I’m trying to bath and put everyone down. It hit in the morning when I’m trying to get breakfast on the table and everyone out of the door. And it REALLY hits when I sit down on the couch alone, again, with no one to talk about the day with.

On the flip side I feel so needed….or maybe its that I’m taking on all of the needs myself that the burden is heavy. My kids need me every second of the day. It’s funny to in one paragraph say, “i’m alone” and then in the next to say “i want to be alone.” But its true. I need a break. I want to be alone, with not having any time constraints just alone.

See, that’s one of those joys of both parents being in the house. Need to run to the store after the kids are in bed, no problem. Want to hit the gym when the kids center is closed? Need to run to the mall? When both parents are home there is a shared responsibility. You CAN leave if you want. I don’t have the option. I have to ask family to watch the kids….now double the burden. And while they don’t mind, I always feel myself rushing around to take advantage of every last second that I hardly enjoy the fact that I’m doing it alone.

Sorry, I’m just super emotional today. I was supposed to go to Tulsa to see EP alone on Thursday. I was so looking forward to every minute of those two 5 hours drives ALONE. I was looking forward to seeing my husband ALONE. I was looking forward to a full day of not being needed. Unfortunately, my mom, who was watching the kids, was diagnosed with walking pnemonia yesterday. Obviously, her healing means much more to me. I’m honestly not upset at all, but I think emotionally it just reminding me how done I am with this shoot.

And its so funny, because earlier today I was telling my usual, “Since God called us to this it makes it easy, etc etc etc…” to someone who asked, “How do you do it?” You know, every bit of that is true…even in these complaints, I know we are doing the right thing. It isn’t always easy or how I want it to be but it is good. And let me also say, God has so been using that time at night with no one here. I’ve been pressing into the Word more and more and that is right where I’m supposed to be.

EP will be home in about 10 days. I know I’ll make it. I always do, but I started this blog to record the journey of shooting and life at home and I have failed to do much of that. I haven’t explained the films we do nor many of the processes that at first i thought I’d share. I will, but for today, I’m just sharing my heart.